freedom (noun): the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint; the power of self-determination attributed to the will.
“If you have controlled your mind, you have controlled everything. Then there is nothing in this world to bind you.”
Sri Swami Satchidananda
The Yoga Sutras talk about freedom as freedom of the mind: liberation from all the impressions you have collected over your life, all the little lenses stacked over your mind’s eye that you now view the world through. The sutras tell us the goal of yoga is to shed these lenses and see ourselves as we are, and the world as it is, in their purest, undisturbed forms: a natural state of peace.
The process is laid out in four steps, which makes it sound simple enough, right? Ha. One thing I like about yoga is that the writings take the pressure off by reminding us we may not reach complete liberation in this lifetime. The yoga I know doesn’t care what you subscribe to. It just cares that you find your way to peace somehow, and any amount more peace you find is a huge success in this life.
A prisoner of my own mind
Before I reached the middle ground I’m on now, somewhere on the road between pursuing yogic liberation and feeling shackled within my own mind, I was a total prisoner of myself. If you’ve ever lived with clinical depression or anxiety, you understand what I mean. From elementary school through high school and college, I was not free. My mind did not know how to be free. My mind knew depression. My mind knew anxiety. And when it got tired of those states, my mind came to know dissociation, which is a kind of freedom, but definitely not the kind one hopes for. I felt trapped and stuck all the time. Dissociating felt like an out-of-body experience, and everything was numb. This is not the liberation yoga talks about.
The power of the mind
My first introduction to freedom of mind came in cognitive behavioral therapy when I was 17. I had decided that living the way I had for years, a prisoner of my emotions and mind, was unacceptable and something needed to change. That’s where I was introduced to the bewilderingly simple idea of choice.
The therapist listened to my teenage grievances for a few weeks, then gave me homework. He pointed out that my thought patterns had a characteristically negative trajectory that constantly propelled me into a downward spiral of sadness and hopelessness. My homework was to catch myself hopping on that bullet train of negativity and switch the tracks in a positive direction.
This brought me to a startling conclusion: I had a choice. Who knew? It sounds so simple. Just change your thoughts. Not necessarily easy, but definitely workable. As I did my homework, I realized the power of my mind. I could take control. I could be the mindful conductor of my own train. And my struggles with anxiety and depression transformed from impenetrable mind-prisons into manageable tendencies.
Alone with myself
Next stop on this train: college. I went off for four years thinking I had it all under control and knew everything. I went through some mild bouts of depression, nothing I couldn’t handle, and an eating disorder that I ignored. After graduating, I traveled Europe for a few months. There I was, out in the world, alone, with myself. I expected to learn a lot on this trip of a lifetime, but how unhappy and unhealthy my relationship with myself was? That was not on the list.
When I reached the end of my funds and my wits, I had a total breakdown and went home.
The power of the soul
This is where yoga came in. Clinging to something that made me feel better and made sense, I started practicing asana every day, sometimes several times a day. The next natural step was teacher training, and that’s where my second awakening happened. In therapy, I had learned the power of the mind. In teacher training, I learned the power of the soul.
Yoga taught me that beneath all that mind-stuff, the impressions of every experience I’ve had in this life, is something that has remained unchanged throughout: my soul. Spirituality, the connection with soul, was something I hadn’t even known was missing from my life.
I think my first true step toward liberation was being reintroduced to my soul. Once I knew and believed in the all-loving, universally connected spirit within me, I could better identify the impressions, the lenses, it was looking through. Only now do I truly understand the task ahead: sorting through and removing those lenses, seeking true liberation of mind, the goal of yoga.
Practice makes progress
I hope sharing my story helps you feel ready to open up and dive in, and I hope you’ll join me on this journey. Where you start doesn’t matter. Just start somewhere, and you’ll be well on your way.
Just as changing my thought patterns was something I had to practice, our yogic work, meditation, asana and all the rest, is a practice. My fourth-grade teacher always told us, “Practice makes progress, not perfect.” Give your practice time. It’s worth it. There will always be ups along with the downs, but as long as you make the choice, and make it with your soul, you might just find the keys to your own freedom.
If you are struggling with depression, anxiety or an eating disorder, you are not alone, and support is available. In the United States you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. Please also reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
